Skip to content

The Narcotic-to-Theologian Correspondence

Well, if for me Cavanaugh is heroin, what narcotic, I wonder might the rest of my favorite theologians be?

  • Robert Jenson – Ecstasy…because he’s just that exciting.
  • Herbert McCabe – Marijuana…because you can always come back to him, and he should be shared generously with friends and strangers.
  • Hans Urs von Balthasar – Acid…because he makes the entire world look different on a metaphysical level.
  • Karl Barth – Cocaine…because he’s highly addictive, highly energizing and makes you sound crazy to everyone else whose not on it with you.
  • Stanley Hauerwas – Alcohol…because he makes you beligerent, annoying to your friends and hard to live with.
  • Rowan Williams – Caffeine… because he makes you nervous, edgy and scared about what’s really going on and if you’re on the right side or not.
  • Dietrich Bonhoeffer – Meth…because if you actually take very much of him into your system you probably won’t live very long.

So, who are your dealers?


  1. R.O. Flyer wrote:

    Holy shit, that’s hilarious.

    John Milbank – Tylenol…because sometimes he makes you feel like vomiting after taking too much.

    Wednesday, April 23, 2008 at 12:44 pm | Permalink
  2. This is great Halden, heres one:

    Louis-Marie Chauvet – Mushrooms… because it takes some powerful hallucinations from the “norm” to realize that language and sacraments are symbolic and constructive, not signs and representative.

    Wednesday, April 23, 2008 at 3:09 pm | Permalink
  3. WTM wrote:

    John Calvin – Alcohol to an Irishman; mellows you out or primes you for a good fight, depending on what the situation demands; but always to your benefit.

    Wednesday, April 23, 2008 at 3:37 pm | Permalink
  4. Ben George wrote:

    Ratzinger– Nicotene: because you’re not even sure if he should count as a “theologian”, but once you get started it’s nearly impossible to stop.

    Wednesday, April 23, 2008 at 7:33 pm | Permalink
  5. R.O. Flyer wrote:

    Ben, personally I’ve never had that experience with Ratzinger (though I have with nicotene) and I have to say I’m envious of such an addiction to the Holy Father.

    Perhaps Tylenol isn’t a “narcotic” and I’m not sure if vomiting even follows an over dose, but the point remains.

    What other narcotics do we have to work with? It has been awhile…

    Wednesday, April 23, 2008 at 8:02 pm | Permalink
  6. Rachel wrote:

    Moltmann is LSD…I see things I never would have imagined otherwise.

    Wednesday, April 23, 2008 at 8:14 pm | Permalink
  7. Mark Driscoll is Opium: He aids masculinity, strengthens sperm and helps me regain vigor.

    Wednesday, April 23, 2008 at 9:13 pm | Permalink
  8. dan wrote:

    I’ve got Milbank as Special K (Ketamine) because he takes you to some sort of transcendent plane, but it’s next to impossible to communicate while there, or to try to explain this experience to others.

    And D. B. Hart as Ayahausca. Most people who experience him simply go, “What the fuck?!” while a few people claim to have attained enlightenment through him.

    Wednesday, April 23, 2008 at 11:50 pm | Permalink
  9. Ben Myers wrote:

    Bultmann: strong acid, because now you’ve got no idea what’s real and what’s not.

    D. B. Hart: ecstasy, because once I’m on it I just keep raving on and on.

    Tillich: prescription opiates. It was fun while it lasted, but I’m staying away from that shit from now on.

    Lonergan: leafy weed. Boring as hell, and gives you nothing but a headache; might as well watch TV instead.

    Augustine: Viagra, because he can keep you up all night.

    Thursday, April 24, 2008 at 3:19 am | Permalink
  10. millinerd wrote:

    Liberation Theology: Opiate of the masses.

    Thursday, April 24, 2008 at 6:12 am | Permalink
  11. Milbank: Whippit (nitrous oxide) because everything has to slow down if you’re to read him, and you might just temporarily pass out when you finally figure out what it is that he’s talking about.

    Thursday, April 24, 2008 at 10:14 am | Permalink
  12. Ben Myers wrote:

    James, I reckon Stanley Hauerwas could also be nitrous oxide: characterised by brief outbursts of incredulity and loud swearing.

    Thursday, April 24, 2008 at 3:59 pm | Permalink
  13. Jesus must be PCP. Makes you invincible.

    Thursday, April 24, 2008 at 4:19 pm | Permalink
  14. Ben, nice one on Lonergan. I couldnt agree more.

    Friday, April 25, 2008 at 4:03 am | Permalink
  15. adamsteward wrote:

    St. John the Apostle – Peyote.

    Monday, April 28, 2008 at 12:34 pm | Permalink

One Trackback/Pingback

  1. Hilarious post on narcotic theology « Fides ex auditu on Monday, April 28, 2008 at 6:00 pm

    [...] The Narcotic-to-Theologian Correspondence.   [...]

Switch to our mobile site