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Most Awkward Creation Story Ever

Anybody found one that tops this?

It’s from the “Hymn to Atum,” an Egyptian creation myth from the Old Kingdom (2575-2134 BCE):

When I first began to create
When I alone was planning and designing many creatures,
I had not sneezed Shu the wind,
I had not spat Tefnut the rain,
There was not a single living creature.
I planned many living creatures;
All were in my heart, and their children and their grandchildren.

Then I copulated with my own fist.
I masturbated with my own hand.
I ejaculated into my own mouth.

I sneezed to create Shu the wind,
I spat to create Tefnut the rain.
Old Man Nun reared them;

Well, the world wasn’t just gonna create itself!

16 Comments

  1. Dave Mesing wrote:

    I was going to comment and say that a lot of the creation stories I’ve read feature bodily fluids, but then I got to the part about “ejaculating into my own mouth” and understood what you meant. Wow.

    Tuesday, December 15, 2009 at 3:04 pm | Permalink
  2. “Well, the world wasn’t just gonna create itself!”

    lol

    Tuesday, December 15, 2009 at 3:56 pm | Permalink
  3. Charlie Collier wrote:

    This gives new meaning to Leithart’s point about God acting on himself.

    Tuesday, December 15, 2009 at 4:21 pm | Permalink
  4. melissa f-b wrote:

    The Navajo creation story also has many masturbation references, of both the male and female variety. Although it’s considered not okay.

    Tuesday, December 15, 2009 at 5:08 pm | Permalink
  5. Hill wrote:

    I’m curious if this was originally composed in hieroglyphics and what they looked like.

    Tuesday, December 15, 2009 at 5:33 pm | Permalink
  6. Adam Kotsko wrote:

    There used to be an article on the internet relating Heidegger to this creation myth, but I can’t see to find it — “Auto-fellatio and Ontology” was the title, if I remember correctly.

    Tuesday, December 15, 2009 at 6:22 pm | Permalink
  7. Kampen wrote:

    I’ll remember that when I’m in Egypt in 13 days…
    oh how the orient becomes ever more exotic…

    Tuesday, December 15, 2009 at 7:32 pm | Permalink
  8. Theophilus wrote:

    So I guess the American creation myth (Paul Bunyan) is one of the G-rated ones.

    Tuesday, December 15, 2009 at 7:54 pm | Permalink
  9. Halden wrote:

    I think someone needs to start writing ancient creation myth erotic fan fiction.

    Tuesday, December 15, 2009 at 8:22 pm | Permalink
  10. Christian wrote:

    Who the hell is Old Man Nun? And where did he come from? I actually found this more odd than masturbating into one’s own mouth (although, that would be hard to pull off). But if it’s God we’re talking about, then striking a fine balance between perfect aim and flexibility is not out of the question.

    Tuesday, December 15, 2009 at 10:57 pm | Permalink
  11. david wrote:

    That made me laugh out loud!!

    Wednesday, December 16, 2009 at 3:00 am | Permalink
  12. It can be done. First scene of Shortbus proves it.

    Wednesday, December 16, 2009 at 9:46 am | Permalink
  13. Cortney wrote:

    I particularly like the Vedic-Hindu Creation myth myself.

    “The Creation myth that unfolds involves Raudra Brahman engaging in coitus with his own daughter; however, the Archer deity shoots him and he pulls out at the moment of ejaculation and spills his seed. This leads to the manifest world arising from the spilled seed, the emergence of the manifest realm of multiplicity and form from the unmanifest essential unity. This is the beginning of time and the world of human beings who are separated from the unmanifested ground of being from which their souls came.”

    Sounds like a tabloid headline. Man shot in back while raping daughter. Shoots his wad while attending to wound. Impregnates all women within 300 mile radius.

    Wednesday, December 16, 2009 at 2:01 pm | Permalink
  14. Dave B wrote:

    Adam, didn’t you write that article?!

    Thursday, December 17, 2009 at 7:20 am | Permalink
  15. i came accross this creation story over at “Biblia Hebraica.”

    Members of the earth’s earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God, the Lord Almighty, created Heaven and Earth.
    According to recently excavated clay tablets inscribed with cuneiform script, thousands of Sumerians—the first humans to establish systems of writing, agriculture, and government—were working on their sophisticated irrigation systems when the Father of All Creation reached down from the ether and blew the divine spirit of life into their thriving civilization.
    “I do not understand,” reads an ancient line of pictographs depicting the sun, the moon, water, and a Sumerian who appears to be scratching his head. “A booming voice is saying, ‘Let there be light,’ but there is already light. It is saying, ‘Let the earth bring forth grass,’ but I am already standing on grass.” “Everything is here already,” the pictograph continues. “We do not need more stars.” Historians believe that, immediately following the biblical event, Sumerian witnesses returned to the city of Eridu, a bustling metropolis built 1,500 years before God called for the appearance of dry land, to discuss the new development. According to records, Sumerian farmers, priests, and civic administrators were not only befuddled, but also took issue with the face of God moving across the water, saying that He scared away those who were traveling to Mesopotamia to participate in their vast and intricate trade system. Moreover, the Sumerians were taken aback by the creation of the same animals and herb-yielding seeds that they had been domesticating and cultivating for hundreds of generations. “The Sumerian people must have found God’s making of heaven and earth in the middle of their well-established society to be more of an annoyance than anything else,” said Paul Helund, ancient history professor at Cornell University. “If what the pictographs indicate are true, His loud voice interrupted their ancient prayer rituals for an entire week.” According to the cuneiform tablets, Sumerians found God’s most puzzling act to be the creation from dust of the first two human beings.
    “These two people made in his image do not know how to communicate, lack skills in both mathematics and farming, and have the intellectual capacity of an infant,” one Sumerian philosopher wrote. “They must be the creation of a complete idiot.” Obliged.

    Thursday, December 17, 2009 at 10:07 pm | Permalink
  16. Michael wrote:

    All I can say is thank you.

    Wednesday, December 23, 2009 at 11:09 am | Permalink

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