Satan responds to his Sock Puppet

Looks like Satan has given us a helpful response to his loose-lipped sock puppets. Good thing.

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll.

You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan.

From the Minneapolis Star-Tribune

7 comments on this post.
  1. Bruce:

    Love it Halden… I’m now a big fan of the devil, just brilliant.

  2. Jill Haldeman:

    I agree with bruce, and even funnier it came from a newspaper out of my home town (Thanks to bruce, our local presbyterian minister for linking to this, it made my day :D)

  3. Gene McCarraher:

    “….banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox….”

    Halden, are you implying that the American people have made a pact with the devil? Perish the thought.

  4. Derek:

    Love it.

  5. Coventina:

    This is great…and maybe with the U.S.’s corrupt Capitalist views we did make a pact, Gene.

  6. roger flyer:

    I don’ t really think this letter was from the devil. It has Screwtape’s fingerprints all over it.

  7. Tyler Wittman: