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Best. Review. Ever.

Its been a while since I’ve indulged in something linking to a movie review, but this is just too damn good to pass up. Drew McWeeny’s review of the latest Twilight schlock is just utterly fantastic:

Here’s where I have a problem.  I don’t care if they get married or not, because in this film, “get married” is just code for “now we can do it.”  Their marriage isn’t about building something together or creating a family.  Their marriage isn’t about time they’ve spent together and time they want to spend together.  It’s all hormonal.  It’s all impulse.  Bella Swan is defined as a character purely by who she wants to sleep with, and I don’t care if she actually consummates the act or not.  This movie is driven from start to finish by the real estate between her legs, and if that sounds blunt or harsh, good.  I want it to sound ugly, because I think it is ugly.  Deeply ugly.  She’s the weakest, most dependent lead in a film that I can imagine.  There is nothing interesting about Bella aside from her desire for these two boys.  It is a narcissistic teenage fantasy taken to a disturbing depth.  Nothing in the world of these movies matters beyond the resolution of whether or not Bella is going to bone Edward.  And when.  And how.  And whether she’s going to bone Jacob as well.

There is talk of love, but there is nothing like love in these movies.  These are not stories about love.  They are stories about infatuation, temporary teenage madness.  And, hey, man… I may be ancient at this point, but I remember what it’s like when you’re a teenager and everything feels so important, and I’ve seen films that get that frenzy just right and they still manage to feature real character work and stories that are interesting and actual events.  You can make a great movie about the rush of teenage love.  You can use it as a backdrop for all sorts of stories.  But for that to be the thing that holds us as an audience, we have to believe that there’s something behind it.  I have yet to see anything in any of these movies that would connect these characters beyond narrative convenience.

Bella doesn’t love these men because of things they have done together.  Instead, everything they do together is because they “love” Bella.  It’s a pissing contest.  And both of the guys are just as poorly defined and as grotesque as Bella in what they represent.  Edward is her “dream man,” and as depicted in the films, he’s basically a control freak who treats her like an object to possess.  He lies to her.  He manipulates her.  He is unable to tolerate her interacting with anyone else.  Ladies… if you have a chance to marry a man who acts like Edward while you’re dating, do it.  And then you can look forward to broken bones and mysterious bruises and a slow and methodical separation from friends and family until you exist only for him.  Which is obviously what you’re looking for, right?  Ooooh, romantic.

Or if Edward’s love isn’t the right kind for you, then maybe you can get lucky and earn yourself a Jacob.  A guy who is hot enough that he knows you will love him, and if you don’t, then it’s just a matter of time.  After all, look at his abs.  He doesn’t offer anything more substantial than Edward in terms of emotion or support, but he does have those abs.  He’s also got body heat, so obviously he is a better choice for Bella.  He has one scene where he actually tells her that he has not imprinted on her as a mate, as is the way with his kind, but that doesn’t matter.  We’re still supposed to believe that this is important, that this struggle over this pathetic, empty dishrag means something.

I love women.  I love all sorts of women.  And because I love real women, actual flesh and blood human being that happen to have a slightly different arrangement of chromosomes than I do, I despise these movies.  I hate them for what they offer up as a value system.  I hate them because there are girls who mistake their own chemical response to the male leads in the movie as an actual affection for the story that’s being told.  They invest on the surface level, and in the meantime, there is this poisonous cancer, this vile insidious message that’s being sold to them underneath.  I hate these movies because they tell girls that this is their value in the world.  Who you bang defines you.  You are worth your vagina and nothing more.  You are who your man is.  That is all.

I just want to point out that this is the first time that the categories of “awesomeness” and “Things that make you want to gouge your eyes out with your pinky, shove scalding hot pokers in your ears, and repeatedly slam the door of a 1950s-vintage, American-made sedan on your head” have become unified in one post.

H/T: Brad E.

13 Comments

  1. Rod wrote:

    This post may have just earned yourself a Sunday Amen. :)

    Tuesday, June 29, 2010 at 3:08 pm | Permalink
  2. Ira wrote:

    I just love it that you have a tag for “Things that make you want to gouge your eyes out with your pinky, shove scalding hot pokers in your ears, and repeatedly slam the door of a 1950s-vintage, American-made sedan on your head.”

    Tuesday, June 29, 2010 at 5:52 pm | Permalink
  3. Deve wrote:

    So… are you team Jacob?

    Wednesday, June 30, 2010 at 9:44 pm | Permalink
  4. I for one am on team Deve!

    Wednesday, June 30, 2010 at 10:12 pm | Permalink
  5. Halden wrote:

    Well yeah. I mean, after all werewolves are the only creature that approaches my level of body hair.

    Wednesday, June 30, 2010 at 10:35 pm | Permalink
  6. dan wrote:

    I’m on team doing it.

    Thursday, July 1, 2010 at 12:38 am | Permalink
  7. christian wrote:

    I still can’t figure out why anyone would watch those movies. But I do know one thing;

    Jesus is God

    Thursday, July 1, 2010 at 12:41 pm | Permalink
  8. Hill wrote:

    This review has now given up the crown to this one:

    http://io9.com/5576076/m-night-shyamalan-finally-made-a-comedy

    Thursday, July 1, 2010 at 2:43 pm | Permalink
  9. Halden wrote:

    Yeah I just finished reading that one. Truly badass.

    Thursday, July 1, 2010 at 2:52 pm | Permalink
  10. christian wrote:

    Man, I sure don’t know what ever happened to M. Night Shyamalan. But I do know one thing;

    Jesus is God

    Thursday, July 1, 2010 at 4:17 pm | Permalink
  11. WenatcheeTheHatchet wrote:

    The io9 review must be a counterpoint to “Michael Bay has directed an arthouse/avant garde film” from last year.

    Saturday, July 3, 2010 at 3:25 am | Permalink
  12. Deve wrote:

    And Deve values you for more than your vagina Dave…

    Saturday, July 3, 2010 at 9:43 pm | Permalink
  13. AprilK wrote:

    Thanks for this review. I read all four books and was disturbed by Edward’s stalker-ish behavior! But, it was deeper than that. You said it better than I ever could.

    Monday, July 5, 2010 at 12:21 pm | Permalink

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